* I WILL Conquer!

I knew I was in trouble when I heard the statement, "The games begin around noon." What had begun as a fun-filled day of Christmas shopping wilted right there on the vine. He continued, "I want to have this wrapped up today."

I answered, "You do mean the gifts...wrapped up, don't you? Not ALL the Christmas shopping!" Certainly he knew we couldn't possibly do all the shopping in one Saturday morning. "Well, I took you shopping at 3:30 a.m. Friday morning and you only got a few things. Why didn't you finish then?" Why? Why, indeed! Picture this if you will: 3:30 a.m. Black Friday, pouring down rain, grandchildren under quilts in backseat, me- ready to leap out of the car (I forgot the umbrella) and run as fast as my short legs could take me and battle my way through the throng in Old Navy. He yelled as I jumped out of the rolling vehicle (and I quote), "I will be back to get you in 15 minutes."

Does anybody but me see the utter nuttiness of this situation? Shopping for me is an experience that takes planning and forethought. I do NOT get up, decide to go Christmas shopping for 100 people on the spur of the moment. I have a plan, I have notes, I have coupons, I have to have coffee, my blood pressure tablet and socks that don't fall down around my ankles. He, on the other hand, gets up and thinks, "I think I'll get this shopping business done. I've got an extra hour before the game comes on. I'll run out, get something, have it wrapped and slap it under the tree by kickoff."

As I related on FB this morning, once I needed a white blouse. We hadn't been married long and he said he'd take me shopping. Boy, was I in for the "wake up" call of my young married life. We walked in, he walked over to a rack of white blouses, asked what size I wore and handed me one. "Let's roll," he said. Uh, oh. This wasn't looking good and I knew it. I said," That's not the right collar or the right kind of sleeve." He responded, "It HAS a collar and sleeves, let's go." I became frantic, "I can't wear that kind of collar. It makes my face look too round."

"Are you kidding me?" He was incredulous. I waved the white blouse, er flag, and thought I'd bring it back to exchange. For some reason I didn't have time to make the exchange and I had to wear that blouse to an event...I knew it was the wrong thing to do, but if he didn't mind looking like he had married "Moon Pie" face, should I really care? All evening I kept my head down so nobody would see the mirror image of the collar in my round face. I think they thought I was just shy.

Once I sent him to buy me some underwear at the old Gayfer's. He couldn't remember the size and told the lady that I wore a size 12. Of course, in those days I probably DID wear a 10 or 12 IN A DRESS! But underwear sizes and dress sizes are NOT interchangeable. He said when she picked up that underwear, he almost fainted! Said it could have been the sail on a very large ship. He looked around and picked out a lady who looked about my size and he and the clerk decided on the size underwear she was probably wearing and he came home with that size...which I must add was exactly my size!

My point is men shop differently from women...some news flash, huh? Men like to conquer, women like to muse. Men like to "get it over with", women like to drag it on until they are sure they have covered every possible base. Men wouldn't be caught dead in the "return" aisle, women make life long friends there. Soooo, happy shopping and remember this tip: "Don't take him with you. Let him watch the game." You'll live a much more peaceful life.