Ok, I've just had a really disconcerting experience. I am not sure if there is something wrong with the glass windows in Michael's, but they are going to have to either change all the glass out or I cannot continue shopping there.
Most of you who see me on a daily or weekly basis may have noticed that I've packed on a few pounds recently. I felt sure it was a thyroid condition, so I had that checked...thyroid is fine. I fasted all night and had a blood sugar level checked. Surely it's diabetes...sugar level is right where it should be. I have two doctors. One stays on me about my weight, the other NEVER mentions it...until this last visit. He said he felt the weight gain was not due to thyroid or diabetes but to the Snickers and Cheetos I consume as one of my food groups each day. Now, look, I majored in Home Economics and taught Foods and Nutrition for years. I know how to eat and how much to eat. As long as I was "front and center" in the classroom my weight stayed pretty normal. When I retired from the classroom and became sort of the school hermit...er, librarian, my weight spiraled out of control. A Little Debbie cake here, a pack of M&M's there and before you know it, you are living large.
In addition to a slight elevation in my cholesterol level this doctor's visit indicated I'd shrunk another 1/2 inch. Let's see now...I started my twilight years at 5' 1 1/2 ", this is the second year of shrinking vertically...that means if I continue at this pace, by the time I am 70 years old, I'll only be about 4'6". If I have this figured correctly, if my weight continues to go up and my height continues to go down, I'll be approximately the same width as my height. Well, today in the glass at Michael's I caught a glimpse of what my future might hold.
This summer, I bought what I thought was a very nice knit Liz Claiborne top. I have always held to the belief that if you wear shoulder pads in your clothing, it balances your weight and you look at least 10 lbs. lighter. This particular top did not have shoulder pads, so this morning I decided to hurriedly sew in a pair I had ripped out of a "too small" top. I was running late and really didn't check out the finished product very closely. Now remember, I had worked all day in this attire.
After school I ran some errands and when I approached the front door of Michael's and saw my reflection in the glass, I almost fainted. I looked like a very short fullback for my husband's football team! I backed up and pretended to be looking at the clearance items, but what I was really doing was giving myself a moment to recover before I looked in the glass again. I circled the clearance rack and walked with more dignity and squared my shoulders. Surely this would make me a little more presentable. What in the world was I thinking when I put this getup together? My earlobes almost touched my shoulders. I looked like I didn't have a neck and my earrings of choice looked like silver pigtails flying about.
As I entered Michael's I kept hearing things...were those people laughing at me? No, that wasn't the noise, it was a swooshing sound. I had thought all day that I must be coming down with an ear infection, because I kept hearing the same noise. Then I realized it was the earrings hitting my knit clad shoulder pads. I hurriedly got the items I came for and exited. A man stopped his car and let me pass. Well, of course, he let me pass, he was afraid I might upend the car and stomp it flat if he didn't! When I arrived home, I immediately took the offending top off and ripped out those shoulder pads. There's one thing for certain, the next time I wear it, my shoulders may slope but at least I will be able to hear.
Lessons to be Learned:
1. If you have two doctors, ditch one and choose the one who doesn't hound you about a few extra pounds here and there.
2. Check out your reflection in the Dogwood Michael's glass and let me know if you look like something akin to a circus funhouse figure.
3. If you add shoulder pads to any item of clothing, make sure you have a long enough neck and short enough ear lobes to carry off the look.