Well, another day at the sausage factory. Today I decided to go online and do something I've been dreading. Our health insurance has a "wellness plan" that encourages (browbeats) you to do all sorts of healthy things...I guess so they won't have to pay out so much on your illnesses. I've avoided their calls, tossed the letters and in general just ignored their endless badgering. But after my close call the other night at Michael's (see Mirror, Mirror On the Wall blog post), I decided maybe they knew what they were talking about after all. So today, I went online and took a look at their babble about controlling your weight.
Why, why, why do I do things like this? Why do I allow others to torture me about something as personal as my weight? I don't know the answer to that, but today was the pits. The very first two questions were 1. What is your weight? 2. What is your height? They didn't give you any place on the questionnaire to explain WHY you were said height and weight. (I have some very good explanations...like my grandchildren love Sonic Blasts and it wouldn't seem right for them to eat one without their old grandmother joining in; or I am now in my twilight years and can't see very well, I had NO idea all that behind me in the mirror was actually ME!) Oh, noooo..they just wanted "the facts, mam, just the facts."
So I gave them the unvarnished truth and the computer sputtered and blinked slightly and then spit out this summary. It went something like this, "You are as wide as you are tall and you aren't going to live very long if you don't do something about it PRONTO! We are reducing your caloric intake to 720 calories per day and strongly advise you to exercise HARD for at least 60 minutes 7 days a week. We want you to weigh between 100 and 109 pounds!"
Who are they kidding? 720 calories a day? I thought that was like criminal or something. Can they be serious? I think people stranded in the desert get more than that. And 60 minutes of HARD exercise 7 days a week? Obviously they haven't heard of the Day of Rest...but really now...60 minutes? And they had all types of exercises they wanted me to begin immediately...strength, load bearing or something, cardio. Another thing, I was to list all the exercise equipment I had access to...If you count the Princess Reeboks I wear every day...that's about it...they asked about stretch balls, bicycles, dumbbells. The only dumbbell I know anything about is me for getting into this in the first place. And what a hoot! 100 pounds?! Yes, I remember being that weight maybe when I was four or five.
For a minute I thought this was a joke. I looked around to see if anyone was watching me and laughing. But after about 30 minutes of this drivel, I found out they were serious as that heart attack they were warning me about. They even had all my meals planned out and get this, my 5 page weekly grocery list was made out! So I took the list home and sat down to make out my real list. The reason this post is so late is that I have just returned home from a 2 hour shopping trip to the Richland Wal Mart (couldn't go to Pearl, I might have been seen). I spent almost $200 on stuff that I've never even heard of and I'm not sure if I can choke down. I had to check the sugar and fat and fiber content of every product before I tossed it into the buggy. I looked down once and it looked like I was buying for a family of 10 instead of just for myself.
When John arrived home from his Tuesday night ballgame, he said, "Why are you still up?" Why, indeed. I had just gotten home from the grocery store and it was 9:15! I'm going to keep you up to date on my progress, but I have a feeling that when all those Weight Watcher Fudge things are gone, that may be the end of this fiasco. 100 pounds and 7 days of HARD exercise...oh, please.