I think I am becoming the family eccentric. You know the one, the weirdo, that everybody dreads seeing at the Christmas family gathering. We love our weirdos even though they embarrass us. In the south, nobody "outside the family" better say anything unkind about them.
Why, you ask, do I think this family title is my fate? The signs all point to it. For one thing the stores in the area are all in "cahoots against me." They are discontinuing all the things I have loved for years. It's happening more and more frequently. Let me give you some ideas of the things that are being deliberately subtracted from my life.
Revlon #110 Chrome Blush lipstick. This is my signature color, they knew that and they have discontinued it. The other day I found myself dumpster diving in a Hudson's bin of leftover Revlon makeup searching for #110. When I found one tube among the 5,000, I grabbed a nearby clerk, screamed "Eureka" and hugged her. I thought she might call management, but when she heard my plight, she "got down" with me and searched for more...We found one more tube which had been opened and sampled..(I usually draw the line at previously sampled lipstick..but if I cut off the top 1/3 maybe it could be salvaged..) "No, honey," said the clerk, "let it go." So with a heavy heart, I tossed probably the only tube of #110 left on the earth back to be swallowed up in a sea of old, outdated lipsticks.
Then there are my white Princess Reeboks. Now, you all know my affinity for them. All of a sudden, they are showing up in Medium widths rather than the Narrow which my petite feet require. (You DO remember about my feet, don't you?) What? We are such a nation of wide feet that we now all require mediums instead of narrow shoes? What about those of us with delightfully slim and trim feet?! I don't know about you, but it's the only petite part of my anatomy left and I'll fight to the death to keep them covered properly. No slouching around in Mediums for me.
And this diatribe wouldn't be complete without mentioning Bath and Body Works. EVERY scent that I have ever loved in that shop gets the ax. If I love it, it's the kiss of death. First, it was Peony...it was heavenly. I had everything in the product line...and boom, one day I walked in and it had vanished. I struggled with buying it on Ebay for months until that source dried up. I could go on and on about B&BW... but they know me and the clerks all run to the back when they see me enter the store. "Oh, no, it's that nut that always complains about the discontinued product lines." They now have a little card they give me that gives me the website name so that I can complain personally to corporate headquarters. (I notice nobody else gets the handwritten card.)
I could continue about the hair setting products, the hair sprays, paint colors, the undergarments and the foods, but I will stop because I am sure that you get the idea. Do these things smack of eccentrism? I think maybe. My husband, ever the voice of reason, says that Revlon has the right to discontinue #110 because reason number one, it's been around so long and number two, they can't make a profit if only one person on earth buys it. He also says that Peony sort of made him sick at his stomach. (Well, that's nice to know since I had it plugged into every socket in the back of the house, showered in it, slathered on the lotion, and misted it on the pillows at night before retiring.) Now, he tells me. I guess he was doing what all husbands of eccentrics do, they just hold their nose and learn to live with it.
I do so hope that my family will remember me fondly and when I go to my place of rest, I pray they will write my obituary carefully. They can word it so everyone "gets" the idea but they don't have to outright say the words. When you read it and it says, "She can never be replaced" you will know those are the code words for "Family Eccentric". They can add this small caveat to the above statement, "She can never be replaced, even though all the products she loved were."
Lessons to be Learned:
1. If you really love a product, buy all of it you can find. You may have to rent a small storage unit but it will certainly be worth it.
2. Do NOT try using canned goods on the top of your feet to make them wider, it doesn't work and the bruises attract a lot of attention.
3. If anyone spies #110 Revlon, buy it and I will pay you handsomely for your efforts. Seriously.