* How To Wrestle An Alligator

I am panting, my face is flushed, my breath is labored. No, I am not having a heart attack. No, I have not just run a marathon. I have just finished putting a duvet cover over my queen size comforter. We have a queen size comforter that weighs more than a set of dumbells on the foot of the bed. I was tired of the velvets, damasks, etc and wanted something lighter with cleaner lines. Enter the idea of a duvet cover. An inexpensive way to make a quick change.


I spent hours on line, and finally found one at Overstock. com...great price, perfect colors, such a great idea! Until it arrives. Then it has to be put on over the comforter. I have a limited amount of time before husband arrives home to my new surprise! The new duvet weighs a ton, so now, combined with the comforter, I have something on my feet at night that weighs roughly the same as a baby elephant. I steam pressed the thing..took 30 minutes...began wrestling with it to stuff the comforter inside. You must first locate the corners. That's fine but suddenly there's a big lump in the middle..uh,oh, wrong corner...take everything out...begin again. Heart begins to pound.

Rush to FB...help, my peeps! How do you do this? Rescue me, I fallen inside the thing and I can't get out! My hair is sticking straight up from being swallowed by the duvet. I'm feeling even sorrier for poor Jonah. Suggestions start rolling in from FB...even one from a former student who is quoting Martha Stewart! After roughly 45 minutes, I have the comforter inside and then the buttoning begins. What the? (My preacher monitors my posts, I have to be careful here.) Why would anyone need this many buttons? So I begin, skip one button, undo the ones I've done and pick up the missed one. On and on this goes. The glow of surprising my hubby with the new look is fading. I have too much other stuff to do.

Once the buttons are buttoned, you have to sort of wiggle the whole thing around until it is situated. Hurry, he will soon be arriving home! Get out the new 300 count sheets and put them on the bed. Remember: we have pledged NOT to go over 300 count...btw: how do you cram 800 fibers in an inch? And what is with the corners of all new sheets that are at least 12 inches too tall for my poor mattress? I have to stuff all that excess under everything else. By the time I finish, I am concerned the bed will simply fall under its own weight. And then when you add me, this could be pretty ugly.

When I awoke this morning, I was so sore I could hardly hobble out of bed. "Why," I thought, "am I so doggone sore?" Then it came to me, an alligator wrestler couldn't have used any more energy or intensity than I did the night before. And all night long, I'd try to turn over but my feet (which were under the two ton duvet covered comfortor) were literally trapped in position. At one point, I had to wrest my feet from under the covers and jump out of bed. I felt like I was suffocating. I always feel like that when my feet are hot. My ankles were swollen all day and I know it's because of that duvet. I wouldn't dare say anything, because I was warned about buying something online sight unseen. So now I am stuck...literally and figuratively. This afternoon one of my FB peeps told me I was supposed to pin the corners of the comforter to the duvet. Well, now that makes sense, but it "ain't" happening anytime soon. If I don't make it to school tomorrow, I'll still be trapped in the bed. Tell husband to come back home and de-trap.

Lessons To Be Learned:
1. Duvet covers are another communist plot. If enough of us use them our feet will be so swollen and sore we couldn't fight if we were attacked.

2. It' s probably best if you don't try to encase a comforter with a duvet if you are short on time.
It isn't the quick change you were told it would be.

3. New duvet cover has also demanded: new bedskirt, change of fabric on footstool, new picture over the bed, new mats on old pictures and a new occasional chair. (Possibly a trip to Foley is in order. )